I would just like to say thank you to those of you how are following and reading. This is a way i think i will be able to help other Addicts out there and myself, now and in the future. So again, thank you for your time. Everything i have to say here is based on my experience or opinion.


Sunday, September 28, 2014

If your having a hard time staying sober

You're not the only one. I went back and was reading some of my first posts and it kinda sounds like for the last 5 years I've had no problems and everything has been going perfect for me since i stopped using. Trust me when i say I've had my fair share of struggles, for sure. I haven't used any opiates or heroin, and that is definitely an accomplishment in my eyes. But i can't say I've been sober the whole time either. And that is my final goal. I still have cravings. Not as much as I used to. I'd say maybe once a week, something will remind me of using or It'll just pop in my head. Which to me says I'm still in a dangerous time in my life. I have to stay focused on the future, my goals. There are times when I feel like I'm still floating around like a jellyfish, like I don't have any real direction. All I do then is look back a few years and remember where i was then. I had that feeling everyday then. Wake up, find drugs, use, sleep, repeat. I would say the jellyfish has more direction.    

Saturday, September 13, 2014


This is a tough one to explain. But it's just as important as the other 2. We get into routines and most of the time we don't even realize these things are contributing to our problem, our addiction. I used to have this belt that i used on my arm when i got so bad i was shooting up. Now when i was trying to get clean and I'd see that belt, It'd just be hanging up or on the floor, what do you think i thought about? Shooting up. It wasn't a, "O man I gotta get high right now" feeling or thought, but I would think about the times i got high. This really isn't helpful. Now take a look at yourself and the "things" your doing that aren't helping. It really is hard enough by itself, just to stop using. Now you add in life pressures, job, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc... and it really becomes a long process. We need support at this and surrounding yourself with your old life isn't gonna help.
I changed my phone number, deleted all my contacts, stopped hanging out with friends or people I used with. The last one was and is the hardest, In my opinion anyway. These are people we grew up with or have formed relationships with. I'll say it once and I'll say it again, Chances are they won't be there to help you because they're worried about themselves. There's always the exception, that one friend that will help, but don't count on it.
I used to hear people talking about getting high and they would talk about the process of getting there fix ready with a light in there eyes, like they couldn't wait to do it again. They're thinking has gotten so turned around that there brain is associating the act of getting a needle ready, with getting high and instantly remembers and wants it. If i was going through withdraws and you gave me water in a needle and told me it was dope, as soon as i started to roll my sleeve up and take my belt off i would have started to feel better. Then if i used it, i probably would have felt like i was getting high at first. Its a placebo effect, but still very powerful.
So change your habits, i know easier said than done, change your phone number, find healthy habits and hobbies. Maybe one you've stopped since you became an addict. You kinda have to be selfish at first and worry about yourself. Start counseling, go to NA, But i stress that you have to find the right counselor, don't be afraid to ask to see someone else if you don't think that counselor can help you. I didn't start to make progress in counseling till I found one i really liked.
Just remember, these are just my thoughts or opinion's and the stuff that's worked for me. I wish i had some magic words or a way to take away the obsession, the life controlling addiction. But i don't. I just hope i can make someones life a little better or help them understand addiction. We really don't like being addicts and its hard enough with the stigma around us to open up about this to someone. So Please feel free to ask any questions you have, If its a private question, send me an email and I'd be happy to offer my opinion or any advice i can.                  

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Parents of Addicts

We all love our parents, or at least a mom or a dad. And they'll do almost anything for us. Even drive us to our dealers house or give us money to get drugs. I was out to breakfast with my aunt last week and she was telling me about her friend that drove her son to get dope or something. And next thing she knows there's 3 cop cars around her with their lights on. They start asking her what shes doing there, shes in a very nice car, and her son comes walking out with drugs on him. Now shes crying and freaking out I'm sure. Her son's getting searched, they don't find anything on him and there on there way. This whole thing could have been avoided, but a mother loves her son so much she'll risk jail or anything for her son. He was waiting to get into rehab, and they didn't have a bed for him for a few days, so he told his mom that the, girl from rehab told him to buy his fix on the street till he could get in. No one that has your best interest at heart would say this. I highly doubt this is what was said to him. I wasn't there so i don't really know. He told her something that he thought would get her to help him. Either money or in this case, money and a ride to his dealer, which almost ended in her arrest.
So to any parents out there reading this. I bring this up because, I've heard this story a lot. Well the part where a parent helps there addict child, by either giving them a ride or money. And they know what its for. Don't enable them at all. No rides, no money, no letting them sit in there room all day doing nothing. We really need tough love. We will say almost anything to get our fix. And its not because we don't love our parents or want to hurt them, but when the withdraws start to kick in, there's not much else we can think about at first. Only how were gonna get high.
Support them by giving them rides to Outpatient, NA (Narcotics Anonymous), SOS (Secular Organizations for Sobriety) meetings, talking to them, this one might be tough take it slow. I think most parents feel guilty, like its their fault there child is addicted to this drug. It's really not tho. And the less you blame yourself, the more you can focus on the other ways you can help. I can't give you an explanation as to why its not your fault, every person and situation is different. Trust me when i say, there was more to us becoming addicts then not enough hugs, or spending enough time with us. A lot of people, parents included, don't get why people can't stop. Whether its drinking or drugs. Most people don't have addiction problems, so to them its a problem that can be easily fixed. Just stop. Unfortunately its not easy at all. And its a long and hard process. Only your son or daughter can make the choice to stop. You can give us reasons to stop like, i"ll buy you a car or whatever the case is and we'll tell you we're done and we'll never use again, we'll promise you till the sun goes down. We'll probably even try. But once we relapse, we don't want you to know so its back to lying to you. Don't give rewards or ultimatums for things like, not doing drugs. We have to want to stop ourselves. And no one else can do it for us. We'll probably stumble, relapse, maybe more than once, that doesn't mean we want to keep using, getting high forever. Its just a little harder for them. Trust me, no one wants to be a addict.
If anyone has a question or comment feel free to ask or leave it.    

Thursday, July 24, 2014


When you're worried about getting high every day, we tend to develop patterns in our daily lives. Wake up, worry about how you're gonna get money for some drugs. Or if you have money, call your dealer, go to his house, etc... After a little while we start to associate these places, dealers house, the drive there, what part of the town or city its in, with getting high. I swear my body knew every time i was going to hook-up. I'd being feeling like shit, about to go through some withdraws, and as soon as i knew i was able to leave, I'd start to feel better. This happened to me a lot. Our bodies remember. Even if your not thinking about it, i used to everyday all day, our bodies remember for us. The things we do to get high almost become rituals. The bad part is, we start to enjoy these rituals as everything around us falls apart. And we don't even notice because we're so worried about ourselves. I found after i got clean and was even near some of these places, i would start to think about getting high.
More to come.    

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

People, Places, and Things.

 This is a common phrase you hear associated with addiction. I first heard it when i went to outpatient counseling. I can't tell you how true it is. I can't stress to you the importance of these 3 words. The People you once used with. They were friends, acquaintances, dealers, brothers, sisters. Anyone you used with. We get very selfish when you're always looking for your next high. When you're in jail, on the streets, going through withdraw shitting and puking your brains out, there not gonna be there for you. Why? Because they're worried about the same things you are. We don't care if we hurt other people, emotionally, or stealing from them is usually our prefered method. Try and stay away from anyone you used with. During recovery you need to be surrounded by Sober people. Positive people. Sometimes this means not talking to you're old friends, for awhile or ever again. I can't tell you how many times just being with my friend, my best friend, would end with us both getting high. And it was the same with a lot of people. Maybe even people you grew up with. If you're clean now and see these people theres nothing wrong with saying Hi, checking in on them. But do not "hang out" with them. If you're doing good and staying clean, the best thing you can do for them is continue to stay that way. Be an example. No one will change unless they want to.
    I think I'm going to break this up in to 3 posts. It would be pretty long if i didn't. Feel free to ask questions or leave comments.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

I Haven't had a relapse!

But I've been really busy with work and life. After using for so long, one tends to lose themselves. The people they once were. So right now i'm still discovering things i like to do, or did do and am now getting back into it. Its kinda like rediscovering yourself. I really want to get better at posting more often. When i talked about the reason i thought i did drugs with my substance abuse counselor, and then getting an outside perspective really helped me. Also, NA (Narcotics Anonymous) helped me a lot as well. I don't go as much as i should anymore, I could say its because im busy, but that would be a lie, I've just been getting complacent. For me, I have to stay on top of my addiction, the last time i got complacent i had a relapse. And i don't ever want that to happen again.

Monday, April 23, 2012


So life's been going ok, can't say it's been great. I can't find a job right now but i am trying. Hopefully soon tho.
I'm finding it hard to shake the feeling of getting high, not the I'm sick i need to get high feeling, but that first time. They say that's what addicts chase and i would say it's kinda true. I'm on Suboxone and that does help for sure. There's just some time through out the day when i get cravings and it really sucks. I'm on 16mg a day. Now for those of you that don't know Suboxone comes in different MG's, I think it starts at 2mg and goes up to 8mg, i know the highest is 8mg not sure on the 2mg tho. Anyways, so i take my first one shortly after i wake up, the time vary's day to day and thats 8mg. I take the second one at different times but it's usually at night, 6,7,8pm around there. My problem is that in the afternoon i get these cravings, again there not time specific, they just happen. I notice that if I'm stressed or having a bad day they happen more often. I'm finding myself just waiting for my next dose, kinda obsessing about it sometimes. I don't like this at all. I have things i need to be doing, life to be living, moving on, if that's possible. I know it is tho. I have met numerous people in NA (Narcotics Anonymous) that have moved on in life. That's not to say they don't think about it once in awhile but there back in society. Leading productive life's. Not using, not on a maintenance program, which is what Suboxone and Methodone are. I would really, really like that one day. I know i can do it. The only thing in my way is me.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

I'm Back

So its been a couple years since I've posted, but I'm back. I can't say I've been 100% clean tho, i did smoke some pot late 2011, in October and continued till December. No opiates tho. But i stopped smoking again. It seems that I'm also addicted to Marijuana, I would say its more of a mental thing but i love to smoke some weed. I can't tho I'm on probation. If i did i would go to jail and i really don't want that. 

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Digging myself a deeper hole!

I was working as a Assistant Manager at a gas station at the time and i was making pretty good money. I was 18 going on 19 soon, still heavy in to drug use. I had lost my girlfriend at the time, probably due to my using I'm not sure tho. I  can't really remember to tell you the truth. But their i was popping pills every day and if i couldn't get those, that's when the heroin stepped in and it was starting to step in a lot more. I went from shooting up 1 bag of heroin a day to as many as i could get. This is in a 4-6 month time frame, so that shows you the power of addiction.
When I first shot up i used half a bag of heroin. That half a bag got me so high and sick. I was high but i was also throwing up, but i didn't care. Now if your throwing up it's probably for a reason, you don't just throw up unless there's some thing Bad in you. I know this, most every body know this. So why after that first experience did I still get high? Well i had those excuse's, my back and shoulder were hurting. And that was my thinking at the time, but i realize now they were and are just excuse's to use. If i work out every other day my back feels fine, and so does my shoulder. To bad i didn't think like that back then. I would have saved myself a lot of pain and depression that came with being a addict. On the depression side of it, it didn't help that my mother died of cancer when I was 14. So I'm sure at the time that didn't help either, with my wanting to escape from reality. In fact I'm sure i didn't help matters at all.
Thank you to those of you that are followers and who ever else reads it. I do want to apologize, because i could  be writing more but, A, its a little hard to remember and I''m working now so time is limited. So thank you for your patience, and i will keep going that i promise.